A disfunctional family Christmas tree train story

[Tom]

True story, you can't make this stuff up.

Christmas and trains, gotta love the way they seem to go hand in hand. My parents both work for Amtrak and are not home too often, my youngest sister is also an Amtrak Conductor and rarely home, and my brother still lives at home with the folks (mans the fort and cares for the mutt while they're gone), and I am in an apartment STILL(!!) (I know, long story), so we set up a HUGE tree at my oldest sisters house. She has youngin's too, so it fits.

My wife Alicia and my nephew decided we HAD to have a train around the tree. I figure they had HO in mind as aside from an MTH O Scale DD40AX on my fireplace mantel, HO is all I have, but Kay has a 3 year old (my niece Megan, or "Pudge" as I call her). Pudge is a pretty good kid, but still, she's 3, so I wanted something a little bigger than HO around the tree. Especially since they'll want to run it all the time, and I'm not always there to re-rail it. My nephew will be 14 in two weeks, but still, he isn't a model railroader, so I figured bigger was better.

I bought a cheap Target "Disney" battery operated set to go around the tree since Kay had "Disney'd " the tree all out, and Pudge really liked it. I have a VERY hard time telling that kid "no" when she see's something she wants. That cheap Chinese Pile of waste was the absolute worst quality thing I have purchased in all my 33 years. Just JUNK. The track was literally impossible to assemble as it had 5 male tabs on the male end of the track connectors, and only 3 female ends (holes) for the 5 nubs to fit into. Goofy had been beheaded in the package (Pudge freaked out and got ALL upset when she saw it), Mickey looked like he had been on a bender for a week, and Minnie looked pure EVIL. The decor on the side of the tender was hanging half off and bent, and there were white crazy glue smears all over the side of the tender and a HUGE gob of glue on the roof of the engine. I was P.O'.ed!! I am ALWAYS VERY careful about using "authentic railroad language" around children. Especially Pudge because her and my mom are TIGHT and are always with each other when Mom is home. Pudge is her shadow and bestest buddy, so you know the old adage, "Monkey see, monkey do". Mom also likes to threaten me with her old cast iron skillet, so while I don't live in fear, I mind my "P"'s and "Q"'s.

I was so mad, I snapped. I wasn't feeling good, had a BAD ear infection, stressed from work, and had just thrown out my back lifting that huge tree out of the back of my brother in laws truck (he's deployed in Afghanistan and my New Yorker doesn't do Christmas trees). This truck is the truck from hell, it's lifted like Big Foot). I was NOT in a good mood. Finally, Alicia saw my frustration and rescued me from destroying the set while trying to rebox the thing (which was a Chinese torture puzzle) and started trying to put it back in the box. I went outside to smoke and calm down. When I came in, I was in DEEP trouble and knew it as soon as I walked back in the house. Apparently, Princess Pudge went into the Family Room where my sister was talking to my Brother in Law on the phone and both mom and dad heard their little 3 year old come in and exclaim "Take that cheap motherf---er BACK!!" *sigh*. My brother in law thought it was hillarious apparently, which only compunded the problem and got HIM in the dog house, and my sister read me the riot act for 30 minutes straight (Alicia joined in too) AFTER she sent Pudge upstairs to her room. Afterward, I went online and bought the Bachmann Northern Lights On30 set. I had it delivered to my parents house since my brother is always home to sign for it. I had always admired the Bachmann On30 stuff and decided now was the time to get one.

A few nights later, my dad called laughing hysterically. He said "You know what your niece just told me"? Fearing the worst (and the frying pan), I reluctantly asked "which one"? "Pudge". *sigh*....great....here it comes.... "What did she say??". He then lost it laughing. I knew it wasn't good. he's got as sick a sense a humor as I do. He related a story of sitting in his recliner watching TV. Pudge went into the kitchen and made herself a glass off juice in her little National Guard Dale Earnhardt Junior sippy cup that she NEVER lets out of her sight (Daddy sent it to her from work), and plopped down in Mom's (Nana's) recliner next to Dad's. Dad was trying to change the channel, and apparently the batteries were going dead. So, dad tapped the side of the remote a few times, and that is when Pudge let out a long sigh, and, still staring ahead at the TV, calmly remarked "F---ing Chinese.....". Now when Dad gets to laughing, he gets loud. Think of Ernest Borgnine when he laughs, that's my Dad. Mom meanwhile, is in her bedroom wrapping Christmas presents (why Pudge was not with her). Yep, you guessed it, she hears dad on the phone laughing and relaying this story. She then calmly picks up the phone in her room and in a low voice tells me "we're going to see what dents first, my skillet or your head. You're dead meat". Great. I didn't even answer the phone when Kay called later that night. Thank goodness for Caller ID.

Fast forward 1 week. Mom calls. She is in the kitchen baking something, and naturally, since Nana is home, Pudge is over her house and standing on a stool helping Nana bake. Mom has me on speaker phone since her hands are full baking. We're talking and I could hear Pudge trying to read a recipe and asking Nana questions. She then says "Megan, tell Uncle Tommy what came in the mail for him today". Pudge says "your train set came today! And it's not a cheap Chines piece of..." "MEGAN!!" "um.....JUNK...." Mom caught her right mid sentence and stopped me from more bodily harm I'm sure. Have you ever seen that scene in "A Christmas Story", where Ralphie drops the "F-Bomb" around his dad and his mom makes him eat a bar of soap?

Yep, That's me.

Oh well, I'll get photos of the new tree train when I get back over to Kay's (that is if I am even allowed back in the place, lol). I'll try to do that tomorrow, and post pics here. I also bought Alicia the Thomas Kinkade Christmas train in On30 that she has always wanted from a seller on E-bay and never set it up but yet, bought several extra cars for it, so I need to set that up around the tree with the other one.

[Green_Elite_Cab]

Don't kids say the darndest things?

Thats hilarious! You should have went for a lionel set (or the On3) the first time around. You get what you pay for, you know!

Anyway, i'm sure you'll be forgiven, everyone slips occaisionally!

[Tom]

Nah, I'll end up doing something else that'll warrant getting Coal in my stocking between now and Christmas, afterall, we still have a week and a half for me to find somekind of trouble to wind up in.

Speaking of which, a few years ago, as my nephew was entering adolescence, he went through that "obnoxious teenager entering puberty" stage. Just a real little jerk. We had all had our fill of it too. Mom had always threated to instruct Santa to fill our stockings with coal when we got out of line around the holidays for as long as I can remember. 3 years ago, Dustin called Grandmas bluff. I was in Arizona working a job training RCO personnel at a coal fired power plant. (With permission of course), I took a large box and climbed up to the top of a 100 ton hopper and filled the sucker (I didn't go into the plant itself, we confined training to the yard area). I then wrapped it up in tape real good and sent it via UPS to my mom. She FILLED his stocking a few days later at Christmas and fixed his tail!

Ya just don't mess with my mom, she's the sweetest lasy you'd ever want to meet.... until you get on her bad side.

BTW, I had always wanted one of the On30 sets, and was always very impressed with them, but was afraid to buy one, afraid I'd want to switch scales since I am so much into the Old West.

And I was right.....

[Sumpter250]

I was ten years into a twentyone year Navy career, before I married. Three of my four daughters were born while I was on active duty, my fourth was born a year after my tour ended. I was always very careful to not bring "the vernacular" home. I didn't want my kids swearing like sailors.
I found out, it was all for naught, when someone cut me off while one of my kids was in the car with me.
They all learned it at school!
My eldest has two daughters..............I'm waiting :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

[tetters]

I swear like a trooper. However, my girls both four and eight have only sworn in the presence of my wife and have only repeated the curse words she has used. Which I find utterly hysterical.

[Cannonball]

That is funny stuff. :mrgreen:

My daughter inadvertently picked up a few less than savory words from me in the past as well.

Once I was trying to get a train running and having problems. I let out a soft, "D****T!" under my breath.
My daughter was sitting next to me and says, "what, now, d****t?"
I couldn't help but laugh.... I shouldn't have, but I couldn't help it.

[Dan85]

Haha that's totally classic!

And for what it's worth, I think in a few years, F'in S*T will be a totally acceptable way for anyone, anywhere to describe Chinese merchandise - they may even start just blatantly writing it on the box! lol

[Tom]

Haha that's totally classic!

And for what it's worth, I think in a few years, F'in S*T will be a totally acceptable way for anyone, anywhere to describe Chinese merchandise - they may even start just blatantly writing it on the box! lol

The worst part is, Pudge watches a lot of kids programming on some channel called "Sprout" (I think it's called), which teaches her all about other cultures and she's even picked up a little Spanish and a bunch of sign language (at 3 years old!). Her mom is so proud. Two of my nieces are half Thai, so they have even taught her to speak a little Thai when they come over. I thought that was SO cool, to have a very culturally rounded 3 year old. Now, I get to explain to her that the Chinese aren't bad people per say, it's just that there is no word for "Quality Control" in the Chinese language!

[BR60103]

A line from an old Stanley Holloway monologue (not Albert & The Lion):

"Then Albert let drop an expression that he must have picked oop in the street."

[MountainMan]

Haha that's totally classic!

And for what it's worth, I think in a few years, F'in S*T will be a totally acceptable way for anyone, anywhere to describe Chinese merchandise - they may even start just blatantly writing it on the box! lol

The worst part is, Pudge watches a lot of kids programming on some channel called "Sprout" (I think it's called), which teaches her all about other cultures and she's even picked up a little Spanish and a bunch of sign language (at 3 years old!). Her mom is so proud. Two of my nieces are half Thai, so they have even taught her to speak a little Thai when they come over. I thought that was SO cool, to have a very culturally rounded 3 year old. Now, I get to explain to her that the Chinese aren't bad people per say, it's just that there is no word for "Quality Control" in the Chinese language!

Actrually, there is. It is a complex word which literally translates as "made for Americans".

[w8jy]

Tom, thanks for the great story - that one really made my day!

Kids are like recording machines - and they always record the words you don't want them to!

[Tom]

I was over at my sisters last night, and after a while, my dad came by.

Pudge was running the train after I got it set up and when he came in, he asked her how the new train was. She just smiled. I asked her "Hey Pudge, how do we feel about Chinese made products"? She replied with "Cheap junk!". Dad just rolled his eyes.

That is when my other niece picked up the box and pointed out the words "Made in China" on the Bachmann packaging. :?

Smart alek teenagers, I just can't win...

The Bachmann On30 stuff does rock though! VERY nice train, runs like a swiss watch.

[sgtcarl1]

Thanks, everybody!! You just made my day!!
Merry Christmas!!