A attempt at some clean humor

[Tyson Rayles]

Hard to find jokes free of foul language, sex or politics but here goes1


A little boy's Grandpa dies and he asks his mother "mommy when I die will I see grandpa again ? " Mom replies "not if you are good! ".


A man is telling his friend about his grandma passing away. "She was a tough old bird. She had buried three husbands, however two were only taking a nap at the time".

[FiatFan]

   

[Tyson Rayles]

[ezdays]

We take English for granted but if we explore its paradoxes, we find:
                quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea, nor is it a pig.
                And why, if writers write, do fingers not fing, grocers groce or hammers ham?
                If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
                One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices?
                Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
                If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
                In what language do you recite at a play and play at a recital? 
                Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
                How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
                Your house can burn up as it burns down?
                You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm goes off by going on.
                English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which,
                of course, is not a race at all.
                That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

[Tyson Rayles]

[Tyson Rayles]

In the 1960's before there was cell phones a guy was driving down the road when his car broke down. He saw a farmhouse down the road and walked down there. A farmer was sitting on the front porch and the guy explained his situation and asked the farmer if he could use his phone to call a tow truck. The farmer said sure, just go on in and you will see the phone on the side table next to the easy chair. When he went to use the phone he noticed a three legged pig sitting in the chair watching TV. After making the call he went back to the front porch to thank the farmer. He said "I gotta ask, why is there a pig in your chair watching TV?" The farmer said" that ain't no ordinary pig! About a year ago he broke out of his pen at 2 a.m. and ran over to our bedroom window squealing his fool head off until he woke us up. Turned out we had a chimney fire and our house could have burnt down and we could have died in the fire. Then three months ago my wife was washing dishes after lunch and the pig ran over to the kitchen window squealing his head off again then ran over to the well and back to the window and back to the well. After what happened with him letting us know about the chimney fire she figured she better go check the well. Our 4 year old son Timmy had fell in. She got there in time to fish him out before he drowned!" The man said "Wow!, no wonder you let him sit in your chair and watch TV. I guess I would too. I have to ask though why does he only have three legs?". The farmer said " A pig the valuable you don't eat all at once!".

[FiatFan]

   

[Tyson Rayles]

As a former resident of Fla. I was told the people put those signs up in an effort to thin out the snowbirds!


When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did, not screaming and crying like the passengers in his car did.

[FiatFan]

   

[LiveSteamer]

[Tyson Rayles]

A man lay dying in the hospital with his wife by his side. He looked at her and said, "I've been thinking, when I lost my job you were right by my side. Later when a business I started failed you were still right by my side. And when some investments I made went belly up you stayed right by my side. You know what I just realized?" "No what dear" his wife asked. He said "You are bad luck, I should have left you years ago!".

[FiatFan]

Did you hear about the old man whose birthday one year lasted only one minute?
It was his sixty-second birthday.

[Charlie B]

Did you hear about the old man whose birthday one year lasted only one minute?
It was his sixty-second birthday.

Groan 
Charlie

[FiatFan]

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations.

At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his.

Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.

The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.”

[LiveSteamer]

Some good ones lol.