A attempt at some clean humor

[ezdays]

A woman says to a store clerk, "I need to buy a Barbie for my daughter. How much are they?" The clerk replies, "Workout Barbie is $19.95, Beach Barbie is $24.95, Pilot Barbie is $29.95 and Divorced Barbie is $395.95." The woman asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie so much more expensive?" The clerk: "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat and Ken's furniture."

[BR60103]

The river was flooding. Sapphire was sitting on her porch when an army truck drove by and offered to take her off. "No, thanks. The Lord will provide."
Later on, the water was up to the porch and she was in her front window. A boat came across the lawn and offered to take her away. "No, thanks. The Lord will provide."
The next morning she was standing on her roof and a helicopter came by with a rope ladder. "No, thanks. The Lord will provide."
Four hours later, she was standing at the Pearly Gates, talking to God. "I thought you would provide!" "I sent a car, a boat and a helicopter. What more did you want?"

[LiveSteamer]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.

[FiatFan]

My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.
My daughter Chewbacca not so much.

[ezdays]

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old-school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. That fly didn’t stand a chance.

[FiatFan]

Cockroaches are found to be capable in surviving a nuclear holocaust, yet one swat with a newspaper and it would die. Which shows how toxic the media is.

[Charlie B]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says, “Wow, perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
The passenger asks, “Who?”
The cabby explains, “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like when I came along just when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
The passenger remarked, “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
“Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis.
He could golf with the pros.
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
The passenger said, “Sounds like he was really something special.”
The cabby replied, “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday.
He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”
The passenger was amazed, “Wow, what a guy!”
The cabby continued, “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.
But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “How did you meet him?”
Cabby: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife null

[ezdays]

Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon? Great food but it lacked atmosphere

[Tyson Rayles]

[FiatFan]

While going to college studying geology a man worked as a buyer of knit wear for women. After graduation he got a job with the US Geological Service. His new job was to find new sub-faults for the San Andreas fault. He wrote to his parents that he went from being a knit picker to being a fault finder.

[ezdays]

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a
brunette, a redhead and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest
breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly 4 hours
after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it
took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were
using their arms..."

[BR60103]

(This is as my father told me.)
After the war, my father took teacher training. He found that, if he took a phys ed option he could get a shower several times a week.

At his first teaching job, in a small town, he was given the junior football team to coach. He ran them through the basic plays and formations, but there was no other junior team in the county. They played one game against the senior team and beat them.

When he applied for a job with another board he put a throwaway line in his resume "Coached an undefeated football team" (note the precise wording)
When he retired the local newspaper said, "Coached a championship football team!"

[FiatFan]

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

[FiatFan]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........ HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. -- Ricky, age 10

[ezdays]

Good one from honest kids....

How about an immigrant joke:

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The tester showed him a card with the letters C, Z, W, I, X, N, O, S, T, A, C and Z, all in a row. “Can you read this?” the tester asked. “Read it,” said the Polish man. “I know the guy!”